The Train Wreck That Is Mariah Carey

I'm a Rock guy. I've always been, I always will be. The music first music I listened to was Queen and Rick Springfield. A few years later, I was turned onto Def Leppard, Quiet Riot, and Bon Jovi. So from an early age, it was all about the rock. My sister had quite a record collection. I can remember playing her records constantly... Def Leppard's Pyromania... Motley Crue's Theater of Pain... Ratt's Out of the Cellar, and Bon Jovi's debut. She had other records though... Donna Summer... Neil Diamond... Michael Jackson... I never once played them. And I never once wanted to know what was on them. They didn't look rock and roll... therefore, I didn't care. Through the years, I added more bands that I liked... Van Halen... Poison... moved into the 90's with Pearl Jam... Alice in Chains... Stone Temple Pilots... 2000 came and so did System of a Down... Nickelback... and Butch Walker. All rock... all the time. But there was always one artist that always intrigued me. She wasn't rock. She wasn't even close. Mariah Carey. MTV played the hell out of her videos throughout the 90's. She sold like a trillion records. And boy she could sing! Hit after hit... Vision of Love... Emotions... Always Be My Baby... Hero. She was a machine. She was cute, kind of like the girl next door. And then it all changed. I think it was Fantasy (if I'm wrong, my girlfriend will correct me. I live with the biggest Mariah fan on the planet.)... she all of a sudden had a dance routine... boobs... and next to NOOOO clothes on. What happened? Next thing I know, she was kicking her own ass in the Heartbreaker video... made a movie called Glitter, maybe one of the 5 worst movies of all time... and then a breakdown! Before all this, she got divorced from some famous dude named Tommy, you might have heard of him. He was calling the shots... after all, he was the driving force that made Hall and Oates the most successful duo of all time. Well, the divorce came and along with it... Mariah's sanity. On Glitter, she once said "it was ahead of its time." Right? And the new Johnny Knoxville movie will be robbed because it doesn't get nominated for an Oscar! Mariah was always seen, not heard... unless she was singing. Tommy Boy knew what he was doing. The next brilliant move from Mariah was Charmbraclet. The record sold a few million, really didn't have any hits, and she butchered, and I mean butchered Def Leppard's Bringing on the Heartbreak. Unforgiveable. It seemed Mariah was all but done. But 2005 came and she released The Emancipation of Mimi (come to find out, she's Mimi!) I was nice enough to take the girlfriend to NYC for the release. She played the Today show, we went. Freezing cold and we couldn't even see her perform... and she was lip singing at that. WTF? The return of the Voice my ass? We then taxied it over to Best Buy to get wrist bands to get her autograph later that night. Freezing again... we got wrist bands after about one hour of standing in line. She's supposed to arrive around 8pm, but the Best Buy people tell everyone to get in line early, because the wrist bands don't guarantee an autograph? WTF? I hate her, Mariah not the girlfriend. We get there at 5:30pm. I really, really love my girlfriend, otherwise this WOULD NOT BE HAPPENING. She doesn't arrive til 9pm... and to make matters worse, I'm surrounded by Mariah freaks. These are not my people, I'm cold, and I'm not happy. So around 10:45pm, we finally get in. The instructions are... one autograph per person... no pictures... she will not personalize the autograph... do not look directly into her eyes or she will crack. I felt like I was ordering soup from the Soup Nazi. I get up there, someone takes the item I'm getting autographed and inspects it. They then put it in front of her and I walk to the table directly in front of her. She never once looked at the record she was autographing. She looked directly at me with a constant smile and thanked me for coming out. Hah!!! She looked like a robot sitting there. She was definitely on some meds. They rushed me out of the building and that was it. Now, who knew Mimi would sell 5 million copies, she would win a ton of awards, and get nominated for several Grammys. But everytime I saw her on TV this year, she was lip singing. Where's the goddamn Voice? Where is the Mariah that was this tiny, cute girl next door. She got her boobs done and some how, her bones expanded too. She's not fat, but big boned. But she wasn't big boned in '91... or '94? I don't understand? Now, the latest rumor is she is going to act again... oh good greef!!! As a female boxer? Boxers always have D cups and a million dollar dress on right? She couldn't pull off a female singer in Glitter? How the hell is she going to pull off a female boxer? She finally made it back to the top and now she's going to leap of the mountain and screw it all up again. Hey Mariah, the next time you go to get your boobs done, just get one big nipple implanted on the top of your head... cause you're ONE BIG BOOB!!! My music recommendation is DO NOT listen to any Mariah Carey... just because she's any idiot.

And that's my rant for the day!